I deeply distrust all forms of technology, none more so than the microwave oven. In the terrible event that I must use one – to dry wet socks or reheat my dampened enthusiasm for British tennis players – I do so only after glancing away, grimacing awkwardly, and shielding my testicles with a bread board.
Such healthy disrespect for all things buzzing is what keeps me alive, despite a niggling urge to try cleaning our blender in the bath; I have a long-standing theory that electricity and water would mix just fine if you did it fast enough. It may surprise you, then, that I’ve liquidised my scruples by doing what everyone in my position fears will one day come to pass: I’ve bought an iPhone.
Even as a part-reformed nerd who’s wary of getting suckered by hard tech once more, it’s impossible to watch one of those Apple ads without stopping to consider whether, this time, the New Thing, this Holy Grail amongst handheld thingamibobs, this Golden Apple in an otherwise rotten bunch, could finally be The One: The One that proves that tech can be fun instead of faulted. The One that makes you thank your sock drawer full of discarded shiteboxes for leading you to this moment. The One that changes everything. The One that doesn’t disappoint quite as eagerly as a Hugh Grant film.
Advertising works
Perhaps you have noticed an iPhone billboard and paused to admire the object in its svelte, come-hither casing, designed in California, land of sun and sand, but made in China, land of pandas, pork ribs, and exciting retail opportunities.
Or, worse still, maybe you’ve visited an Apple store and been wooed by the sheer theatre of it all: the almost irritatingly helpful yet never knowingly attractive sales people; the array of over-polished products on small marble pedestals; the hallowed Genius Bar; the gathering hordes updating their FaceSpace accounts. Perhaps, in the same moment you noticed that the staircase is fashioned entirely from glass and floating on the sighs of angels, you uttered the same question I did:
“Will this bingling box of crap you’re trying to flog me solve any of my troubles?”
Well, after many months with mine, I’m delighted to tell you that it’s solved so many of my problems that I’ve started trawling the App Store in search of new ones.
The verdict
The iPhone is the first unnecessary overpriced pocketbox I’ve owned that lives up to more than 14% of the lies I was sold. Not only is it far easier to use than the crap I’ve been tricked into buying before, but it’s one of the few gadgets that answers everyday questions. Questions like “What’s the capital of Narnia?”, or “Where did we park the golf buggy?”, or “What’s that terrible music?”, or “What can I throw at a civic leader that isn’t a shoe?”
And that’s before you start downloading apps. You’ll soon find one for everything. There’s an app that lets you take photos of a book jacket, then check to see if it’s cheaper on Amazon to aid in the demise of your local bookstore. Another tells you where your nearest payphone is, in case you need to seek shelter during a hailstorm.
Others can be quite useful — take the National Rail one, for instance, which tells those of us in the UK where our nearest station is via GPS, what time the next train home is supposed to arrive, and how many minutes after that it will be at the platform.
The mobile revolution
So, I’ve started to realise that there’s little point in resisting. The mobile revolution is here, and it’s time to make a half-arsed effort and pretend we’re on board. Paper, while I shall always cling to it lovingly, is being left behind. What’s more, so is conventional desktop computing.
The mobile phone is gradually overlapping the realm of the desktop and laptop. Not enough to replace them entirely just yet – maybe not ever – but enough that there is now a growing generation who access the internet exclusively by cell phone; a generation who may never experience the Web on a big screen.
The next big thing
More exciting still is iPhone OS 3.0, which promises to connect willing goons with even more costly gadgets in ways they’ve never experienced and probably don’t feel entirely comfortable with. On the plus side it means, for example, that you could control your bluetooth-enabled microwave using your iPhone from a separate room where it’s safer. Better still, it means that the phone can do genuinely useful things, like monitor a diabetic’s blood sugar level and alert her parents by text message should the fruit of their loins consume 16 Snickers bars to spite them.
It also has some more sinister implications in the realms of national security. Starting today, various inebriated world leaders will be launching nuclear missiles via iPhone with a dedicated interface that looks every bit as menacing as the closing scene from Wargames.
Crawl out from your caves
And so, my hope in writing this is to persuade the many waverers and outwardly tech averse to join me by crawling from your caves and giving this exciting new wave of gizmos a go. It’s safe to come out now, I promise. The iPhone’s slowly changing the way I feel about gadgets for the better, and I think it could do the same for you.
And, even if you don’t fancy one, I hope you’ll agree to join in by feigning excitement at the possibilities up ahead — even if, like me, you will always carry a pencil.
